This past weekend was my dad’s birthday. It’s also the first birthday we’re celebrating without him; he passed away earlier this year from lung cancer.

In truth, I’m still processing it (grief isn’t linear, of course), but that doesn’t mean I haven’t intellectualized it a lot. In some ways, that’s how I’ve always coped with deep, complex feelings, but also for survival.

When I found out my dad was diagnosed, I felt neutral, neither extremely sad nor distraught. It scared me. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, but I don’t think I could have processed it completely until I was "done" with work. My family is in California while I’m in New York – there’s a physical distance between us. It also provides emotional space to lean into compartmentalization.

It got harder once I went home to California to visit him at the hospital. Within three months, the cancer accelerated, and he passed in March. When I found out, I was in the midst of work, and my entire mind went blank.

It felt strange to Slack message your leadership team, “My dad died. I’m gonna take time.”

Everyone was supportive, offering their time and condolences. But it’s so challenging to think rationally and logically right now. On one hand, you’re dealing with extreme grief, and then I also had to figure out payroll and what I needed to "get off my plate."

For many people, working is a form of coping. It doesn’t mean that’s great, but it can be a path to control and clarity amidst chaos. It also doesn’t mean that your output is excellent, either. It’s a hard rock and a hard place when it comes to figuring out whether you need to “work” through it. The simple answer is probably not, and you should step away even for a day.

Months later, I often fluctuate between indifference, annoyance, and functional depression. It’s like having ice cream without the sweetness. It’s frustrating and exhausting, especially when it’s not something you want to discuss at work. Vulnerability at work is like a faucet; you have to find the right temperature to feel comfortable. And I don’t know if I’m comfortable navigating it with work.

I share this because I know I’m not the only one. Many people are showing up to work in the face of loss, collective grief (things that are happening on a macro level), personal grief, and fear. I hate to say that it’s brave or resilient when I know that’s often a cost of capitalism. Sometimes, we have to, or else the bills won’t get paid.

When people ask me how I’m doing, I say one of two things: “Day by day” or “Everything and nothing feels the same.”

I’m practicing a form of acceptance across different parts of my life – it doesn't make anything “okay,” but instead allows me to stay with the feelings and approach them as honestly as I can.

I could make this about how we can extend empathy to each other, but really, I think I want to acknowledge that some of us feel things more than others, and that sometimes that can overshadow the KPI or project that follows. Still, we’ll be there to make sure it’s delivered and that it’s up to par.

No one else sees the internal work we all have to do – it can be lonely and exhausting. But, know, we’re out here, trying to figure it out, too.

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